Dear Faizul,

I guess that instead of resolving to stop eating an entire block of pasteurized, processed, cheese product every single holiday season (by myself), I should have resolved to be nicer this year. When I contacted you for customer support at Amazon.com and complained that my package was four days late, I wanted you to feel sorry for me and give me money. When you refunded my credit card and told me to re-order rugs to cover my freshly-flooded and carpet-stripped bedroom floor, I discovered that the company from whom I had previously made my purchase no longer had my rug of choice in stock.

There was a certain portion of the conversation for which I feel particularly guilty. In case you don’t remember, it was like this:

Beth LovelandThe other rug is no longer available. It’s $10 more by another seller
FaizulYou can select the red color for this Beth .
Beth LovelandI do not want a red rug, Faizul. 
Beth LovelandIf you had a nice blue shirt on the way, and you were excited to receive it, how would you feel if someone said, “Sorry. Blue shirts not coming. How about you just get this hot pink one with red-eyed clowns on it instead?” 
FaizulI can completely understand. If that happened to me I’d be really upset too. I can imagine how frustrating that must be.
Beth LovelandThanks. But, what about the rug?
Faizul: I can suggest you to place the order for similar one .
Beth Loveland: I AM NOT GOING TO BUY A RUG THAT CLASHES WITH EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ROOM, FAIZUL!

 

I wonder about you, Faizul. I wonder where you live. And, it’s not because your name sounds particularly eastern. It’s because I wonder who suggests to an American woman that she simply choose a rug in a different color. And, this is why I’m really, really sorry. What if this seems like a completely plausible approach to the problem to you? What if you live in a place where there are no rugs? Or floors? Only computers by which you chat with spoiled Americans. And what if, instead of being a jerk, I were nicer and just got the red rug?

 

When I told a friend about this problem I had with Amazon.com and when I suggested that maybe Amazon.com was run by ISIS, my friend laughed at my, “first world rage,” and then told me he was sure that you deal with bigger jerks than me everyday. But, it’s kinda not funny. I’m sorta feeling like a white devil. I’m sorry, Faizul. I truly am.

 

Regretfully,

Beth Loveland

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